I have a real confession to make - I have been holding back on you. Not because I wanted to, but because I honestly didn’t know any better.
Let me start over, because that is really what I am doing in my life right now. When this whole pandemic began and the world started coming undone, I didn’t realize it, but I had been fighting the same process inside myself.
The Square One I talked about in the last episode on what is happening on a global scale right now is exactly what’s been going on for me. Square One is the first stage in any cycle of change, when things fall apart and whatever is no longer serving you either comes to the surface to be healed or it falls away; a dismantling of who you were to make room for who you are becoming.
I have been quiet because to do “Square One” right, you have to surrender and let go. It’s not a time to try to make sense of anything. And I’ve been wanting to share this vulnerable process with you all along, but it’s not easy to document coming undone. Because the thing about coming undone is that you can’t make sense of it when you are in it. Surely you know what I am talking about, right? It’s the messy part of transformation and growth. You can try to make sense of it, but that just interferes with the process and makes it last longer which is not what anyone wants. The nature of coming undone is upside down and inside out (like Alice falling down the rabbit hole). And it’s uncomfortable, which is why most people avoid it until life drags them into it kicking and screaming.
Over the last many months, the Cathy I have known myself to be all these years has been dismantling herself to make room for a powerful upgrade, the emergence of who I came here to be - in my full expression! The full spectrum of who I am is emerging. Which, much to my own delight, is quite dynamic and eccentric. If you thought I was eccentric before, watch out!
So this is why you have not heard much from me in a while. I have been the caterpillar in the chrysalis dissolving into goo, so that I could become the butterfly that I was born to be. And that’s what I meant when I said I’ve been holding back on you. I have been suppressing the full expression of who I really am! That’s right, I haven’t been giving you all of me.
The combination of the plant medicine retreat in Peru last October, and the Mastery level coach training I have been immersed in all year has made it blatantly obvious that I have been dimming my light. Not consciously or on purpose. It’s been all happening on a subconscious level. Early messaging from childhood - I learned real fast how to make myself small in order to fit in. I mastered the art of dimming my light in order to belong. The need for belonging is a basic human need and we learn early how to get our needs met in order to survive.
Over the last several months of dismantling subconscious programming, I realized that the defense mechanisms I put in place early on to fit in were still playing out to keep me safe.
And I realized I’ve been editing myself so I don’t ruffle any feathers. Playing it way too safe. Sooo careful not offend anybody, but in doing this, I have weakened the message that’s been wanting to come through and even worse, I’ve hidden the true expression of who I really am!
So much so that I’ve received zero negative feedback. And not that I want negative feedback, but no getting negative feedback means I’m not pushing any buttons. I’ve been playing it safe by playing small. Which means I’m not stretching anyone’s perspective because I haven’t been speaking my whole truth. If I were, I would be hearing about it - and it wouldn’t all be pleasant.
The truth pushes buttons. When buttons are getting pushed, it means you are actually putting something out there that is challenging people to grow. And we’re here to grow and expand which is uncomfortable. And I’m here to be a messenger of the truth. And it’s time for me to step more fully into my role. I am tired of caring what people think. Because if you don’t approve of who I really am, then you are not my people.
I want you to see me; the real me. So you can decide for yourself. I’m not going to hide anymore, because I am ready to celebrate all that I am. And I have a lot to share and I don’t want to hold back. I am setting myself free! For the highest good of all!
I didn’t go through everything I’ve been through in this life, which is a lot, to land on the other side and play small. I’m here to play a bigger game and to hold space for others to do the same. That’s where my genius is. And if you feel inspired by what I am saying, then buckle up. Let’s go.