By the time you hear this, I will be on my way to Sacred Valley, Peru for another vision quest. I want to tell you that I have been feeling myself breaking open in new ways to prepare myself for this sacred journey. One of the things I have been struggling the most with over the past 12 months is letting go of the story I have been carrying about my past, about my childhood. To be totally transparent with you, and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s a victim story. The vision I had last October during my journey in Mexico showed me the heaviness I was carrying about my own upbringing and not just my own, but my parents and their parents before them. Deep stuff. I have spent this year coming to terms with it all and working hard to release it so I can be fully free to step into what is next. The past has been weighing on me and with all the spiritual and emotional growth I have done, with all the tools and techniques I have been trained in over the past 25 years, thousands of hours of meditation, the past has had a hold on me.
Then yesterday, I had a huge breakthrough and it came when I was least expecting it, as awakening tends to happen. I was sitting on the front porch really feeling the weight of it all. Frustrated that after all this work, there was still a victim story, a resentment for things I had experienced in my childhood. Frustrated that my parents were not able to show up for me the way I felt they should, frustrated at myself for still blaming them, for not being more enlightened already, and frustrated at myself for beating myself up and not being more loving.
You see, the ego is a sneaky little devil. It’s tricky and it will use everything you know against you. I mean, I have the wisdom, I guide others through all of this! The voice in my head will beat me down for that too, saying things like, “What’s wrong with you that you aren’t able to transcend this, to let it go, to move beyond it?”
I was writing all this out in my journal and I stopped and took a deep breath to wait for an answer and the answer that came was so powerful, I cannot wait to share it with you. I received the message that everything I have been seeking is right in front of me and has been here the whole time. The answers have been coming but I have not been listening. I received the clear message that everything that was coming through me for my clients has also been for me and I have been giving it out, but not taking it in. The irony of this is that I have known this to be true! Yet I still was not taking in what was right in front of me, being handed to me directly from the source. This is the very meaning behind the message that the answer arrives before the question is even asked.
I sat and thought about the recent messages that have come through for my clients this past week and I remembered that I had offered the very same practice to 3 of my clients. I got the hit to do the practice right then and there. So I set my pen down and immediately closed my eyes and walked myself through a practice I had learned from one of my spiritual teachers over 20 years ago.
I am going to share that practice with you now and it’s a wonderful extension of the last few episodes on self-love.
If you really want to receive the profound gift this practice has to offer, you will want to take a moment to drop everything and situate yourself somewhere private where you can actually do the practice. I promise you, your left brain will not be transformed nor impressed, in fact, if your ego mind hears about this first, it will try to talk you out of doing the exercise one way or another because it doesn’t want you to awaken. It doesn’t want you to know the truth. It has been dangling a carrot outside of you for years and years doing everything it can to keep you distracted from the truth! This truth is that everything you need is already inside of you, that you are already whole, that there is nothing you need that you don’t already have, that you are wise and beautiful and perfect just as you are.
So if you choose to just listen in an effort to cognitively understand it, that’s fine, but you will miss the gift because it’s so simple and subtle that the left brain will discount it. Opportunity lost. If this is not a good time, I invite you to come back later when you do have space, but if you do have time, close your eyes and begin to take some long deep breaths.
Become present and aware of your breath moving in and out. Now, tune into whatever you are experiencing in your body right now. What is present for you? Just scanning your body head to toe and noticing what you find. Without needing to qualify it or judge it in anyway, just notice what is here. You can even say it out loud in the form of an adjective as you find it.
What kind of sensations are you feeling? Tingling? Lightness? Heat? Tension? What are you sensing right now in this moment? Now, simply offer a warm welcome to any sensation that arrives. Whatever it is, just say to it, you are welcome here. Whether it’s a sensation that feels good or not, just say, you are welcome here.
Then notice what happens when you offer this warm welcome to the different parts of you. Notice if there are any emotions present, pleasant ones or unpleasant ones, welcome those emotions. Without needing to change it, resist it or make it wrong, inviting whatever it is to have a seat at the table. Are there any thoughts or patterns? Just notice and welcome those too. Allow them to be here without the need to give them too much attention, just allow whatever is present to be here. Allow yourself to become the loving witness to all of it.
When you are ready, you can open your eyes and notice how you feel after welcoming all the parts of you to be here.
When you can make room for all that is present inside of you, there is no longer an internal struggle. If you are in a state of welcoming and accepting all that you are, all the sensations, comfortable or uncomfortable, there is a natural release that happens. It’s like saying, I’m okay, just the way I am. Even further, it’s affirming that you are already whole, just as you are. There is nothing to fix, nothing you need to add or remove. You are perfect and complete just as you are. Then the emotions and sensations and thoughts are free to come and go and you are left unchanged.
Doing this practice the other morning was profound for me, because all of what I was working so hard to get rid of, the victim role, the shame I experienced, it was finally free to go. What I hadn’t realized, though it seems so obvious to me now, is that all of my efforts to rid myself of it, inadvertently did the opposite. I was actually keeping it alive by working on it, because whatever you focus on expands. Whatever you push away, you attract. Whatever you resist, persists.
So that is my awakened thought I wanted to share with you as I head off to Peru and I am looking forward to sharing the wisdom I receive from the Sacred Valley when I return!