Want More Intimacy?
This topic is for women who desire intimacy. Whether you are in a relationship and not enjoying sex, maybe you are craving a deeper connection during sex or you would like to attract a partner you can share intimacy with that is deeper than you have gone before.
When I first started looking at my relationship with my husband and wondering why weren’t having more sex, I assumed something was wrong. Here was something that was broken and I was determined to fix it. But the more I tried, it seemed to only take the intimacy in the opposite direction.
I kept telling my husband how we needed to get closer and he kept telling me nothing was wrong. But, I mean the evidence was right there! We weren’t having sex.
I finally I gave up and broke down. That’s when I started to ask myself, “What if he is right, and nothing is actually wrong?” And that question, opened a door that led me right back to myself.
I started reflecting on who I was right before I met my husband... I was deeply involved in an intimate relationship with myself.
And that was new for me. The truth was, I had been through 20 + years of one long-term relationship after another, where I felt unsupported, unappreciated, and unloved. I felt alone. So I decided, after my 2nd marriage ended, I needed to figure this thing out.
At first, I wallowed in thoughts like, “maybe I’m not meant for relationship, maybe men are intimidated by my strength, maybe I am not attractive, maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I am unlovable....”. Then I saw a quote by Byron Katie that hit me head on, The quote was “Be the love of your life”. And it just sparked something deep inside of me! Of course! I need to be the love of my life!
I realized, I haven’t been loving me! I need to love myself! This sounds like self-help 101, but sometimes you just need to start over from the beginning. Even sometimes when you have two decades of personal growth work under your belt. Beginner’s mind.
So I took a long break from relationship with men, so I could establish a healthy relationship with myself first.
In hindsight, when I look back on all my past relationships, I hadn’t actually let them in. I never even asked for help. I was too busy getting it all done, there wasn’t any room for stepping in to support me. Not to mention, I didn’t really even know how to ask for what I wanted. I just assumed they should know. And really, how could they know? So I just ended up resentful and lonely in relationship.
In that long break between relationships, I began courting myself. I took myself out on dates to my favorite restaurants. I would get all dressed up, order my favorite dish, and I savored every bite. I luxuriated in the experience. Instead of concerning myself with how I might be perceived, I luxuriated in the experience of taking in all the wonderful details. Appreciating all of it!
My life was filled with things that brought me pleasure. I would take long baths, listening to my favorite music. I would go to lengths to set the mood, cook the food I love, read books for pleasure. Whatever delighted me, I would make it happen.
And without knowing it at the time, it was exactly how I ended up attracted the amazing husband that I now have!
Reflecting on all of this, I realized I had abandoned myself in relationship. Now that I had a husband who loved me like I loved me, I stopped taking time to do those special things that I love, just for me...and so of course I was no longer experiencing intimacy in my relationship.
So I sat with my husband and told him “I think you are right, there really isn’t anything wrong”. It’s a powerful thing when you admit you are wrong. In that moment, It was like an invisible barrier that had been between us, vanished..
I remembered that I am the love of my life first, and everything else stems from that. So we started over, because we can, and we recommitted to regular date nights. And everything blossomed once again.
Here’s the moral of the story, instead of assuming something is wrong with you or your partner or the relationship, try looking at the relationship you are having with yourself. How are you enjoying yourself? Are you engaging in the things you love to do? Are you taking yourself out on date nights? Evening strolls? Long luxurious baths? If the answer is no, why not?